Have you ever completely lost it with your kids over something totally ridiculous – and wondered why you went from absolutely fine to absolutely furious quite so quickly?
For ADHD mums, emotional regulation can be one of the less talked-about parts of ADHD.
You know you’re overreacting. You don’t want to be shouting. There may even be a tiny part of your brain thinking: Why am I getting SO angry about this?
But the shoes are still in the hallway. Someone’s asking you a question while you’re trying to do three things at once. Your child has said “Muuuum…” for what feels like the 400th time in twenty minutes.
And suddenly you’ve snapped.
The problem is, by the time you’re telling yourself to calm down, your ADHD brain may already have beaten you to it.
When our reactions are faster than our thoughts
One of the things I’ve learned about ADHD emotional regulation is that when we’re already overloaded, the gap between something happening and us reacting to it can become incredibly small.
You’ve spent the day dealing with noise, decisions, interruptions, forgotten things, work, school admin and everyone else’s needs.
Your nervous system is already running pretty close to capacity.
Then someone spills a drink after you’ve repeatedly told them to be careful.
And suddenly you’re acting as though they’ve just deliberately set fire to the kitchen.
Here’s the thing: it’s not really the spilled drink you’re reacting to. It’s the spilled drink plus everything that came before it.
Don’t try to calm down. Try to pause.
This has been one of the most useful things I’ve learned.
When I can feel myself starting to snap, I don’t try to instantly transform myself into some serene, endlessly patient mother, because that’s just not always realistic.
Instead, I try to create a tiny gap between the feeling and what I do next.
My basic plan is:
Stop. Don’t say the thing that’s currently fighting to come out of your mouth.
Step away. If everyone is safe, tell your child you need a minute and physically remove yourself from the situation.
Settle. Count backwards from five. Take a few slow breaths. Get a glass of water. Do whatever gives your body a chance to come down a notch.
Come back. Once you’re feeling more in control, return and deal with whatever actually needs dealing with.
The aim isn’t to become completely calm in 30 seconds.
It’s simply to interrupt that automatic reaction long enough to give yourself a choice about what you do next.
And no, I don’t always manage it.
When you get it wrong – repair
Sometimes I still shout.
Sometimes I react in a way I wish I hadn’t.
And when that happens, the next step isn’t spending the rest of the evening feeling like a terrible mother. It’s owning what I got wrong and making amends.
I say something like, “I got cross, and I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault. I was feeling really stressed.”
Because learning to regulate your emotions doesn’t mean never losing your temper again.
And when you’re the mum to an ADHD child, those moments can actually be an opportunity to model something they need to learn too: how to recognise when you’ve lost control, recover from it, and put things right afterwards.
If you recognise yourself in this, I go much deeper into emotional regulation in ADHD Mum, ADHD Kid, including the strategies I’ve learned to spot when I’m heading towards overwhelm, interrupt my reactions before they escalate and recover when I don’t manage to catch myself in time.
